A Rookie On Rock

Never Mention Metallica to the Editor.

My ears were bleeding.

I made the fatal mistake of admitting to Rob that I knew nothing about any rock music from after 1970. It wasn’t the several hours of music he forced me to sit through that caused the blood seepage, though, it was the scarily girlish scream he emitted when I asked who Nightwish were. More to get him to shut up than anything else, I agreed to write an article for Snipe on a newcomer’s perspective to some of his favourite bands.

He started me off on Led Zeppelin, claiming them as one of the all time classic greats, and promising me they’d be less scary than the later stuff. The mid 70s track Kashmir was the one that gripped me – the intertwining of Plant’s rough bluesy voice with the middle eastern influences created a sound that was warm and had the smoky finish of a good Lagavulin Islay malt. A song to open a beer to, relax, and put on repeat for an hour.

The whirlwind tour then skipped on a decade in minutes, taking me to Metallica. My only previous exposure to this group had been a one night stand with a guy with their logo tattooed on his chest, and honestly that hadn’t inspired in me a desire to find out more about them. Listening to their music didn’t manage to do it either. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, where does all that anger come from? I’m a child of the 80s too, I know a lot about that decade sucked, but they aren’t British, it’s not like they were putting up with Thatcher. Download controversially hasn’t booked this band this year, calling them “boring” and saying they are over exposed. I can’t say I think it’s a great loss. Listening to For Whom the Bell Tolls I couldn’t hear a single stand-out riff. Fans might claim that that’s the point, it’s about the unity of the sound, but I’m gonna go ahead and call that a pansy-ass excuse.

This is a band that seems to have grown more needy for acclaim and recognition in their later years, even recording a live album (S&M) with the San Fran Symphony Orchestra – presumably with the hope of being seen as “serious” musicians. At least their earlier stuff had the charm of youth and passion; the aging rocker look is not one that works. It’s Spinal Tap-esque lunacy without the humour. It’s time for the bell to toll for these guys. Fade gracefully into the night, fellas.

I was beginning to suspect Rob was just following the progression of the Wikipedia article on rock when he then played me some Pearl Jam, taking me into the 90s grunge scene. I probably redeemed myself in his eyes by absolutely loving Black – he hadn’t been too impressed that I didn’t like Metallica. I found this track hauntingly romantic, with a dramatic hook that doesn’t let go. For rock music, this has some serious soul. Cobain criticised Pearl Jam for too many guitar leads. I don’t like speaking ill of the dead, but he was talking out of his arse.

Plus, Pearl Jam kicked the shit out of Ticketmaster about their service charges. If I knew nothing else about them, I’d love them for that. Anyone who hates those evil money-grubbing, soulless, thieving capitalist scum like I do is alright by me, and if when they can also play a tune like these guys, I’d happily have their children.

And these guys really can play a tune. I liked them so much I did a little more searching for them later on, on my own time, and I came across this amazing footage. When a band brings this much passion just to rehearsals, I can only imagine what they are like live. There’s no tour dates currently scheduled, but when they announce some I’m first in the queue for tickets. Just not via Ticketmaster…

We moved on to Incubus, and Pardon Me.  Apparently this band is classed as “Alternative Rock” but what they are the alternative to I have no idea, since they’ve played festivals with Nelly Furtado, Outkast and Moby. However having listened to them now, I have no idea what else to class them as – in fact I felt they probably didn’t know themselves what kind of music they were meant to be making.

I wanted to hate this band from the start, although I’m not sure why. Perhaps because in every interview with Brandon I’ve read he’s sounded like a bit of a tosser. I listened to their lyrics and he still sounds like a bit of a tosser. The attempt at poetry just ends up sounding pretentious, and there’s no real emotion to the sound. However, at least he’s cute (think a manlier version of Orlando Bloom, but not so much manlier you wouldn’t still assume he’s gay) so there are worse bands out there. Like Metallica.

I found it hard to believe that Nocturnal Rites were roughly contemporaneous, the sound was so different, so much more deep and powerful. I listened to Never Again; the difference from Incubus was marked. The lyrics were simplistic in the extreme, but then again they don’t need to be more when they’re being belted out like that by Jonny Lindkvist. Had I not been told, I wouldn’t have known what decade this was from, and I mean that as a compliment. The sound is saturated and rich, with some interesting freshness coming from the keyboard. A word of warning, though – listen, don’t watch the video. Unless you have a fetish for wrinkly blond Swedish men making orgasm faces. If you do, it’s about a minute into the link.

We ended the night with Nightwish; on a high note, literally, with the only female vocalist from Rob’s selection. Wow, that Tarja can sing. She looks pretty hot in skin-tight dark red leather, too. This band was in many ways one of the best all-rounders I listened too; it has high production values, intelligent lyrics, and a well-rounded sound.  Yet somehow, there was something missing for me – maybe I just do prefer male vocalists, maybe it was knowing she’s not singing with them anymore – and her replacement doesn’t have the same range or tonal quality.

So did I enjoy my musical education? Overall, yes, although I might be scared for life from seeing that Nocturnal Rites video. But for now, I’m going to kick back, open a beer, and put Kashmir on repeat. Again.