Mad Ads: What Happened Next
The world of television is full of sexist material. Normally we at Snipe Towers have nothing against a healthy dose of sexism, as it means that
Rob’s girlfriend still asks him to lift heavy objects so he can feel all manly, Maggie never has to take the bins out, and Noel gets to be the one with
the beard (although his latest conquest had a rather fine moustache, it has to be said).
However, what really gets up Snipe’s collective (and properly sexy) arse is the adverts that just can’t help depicting one or other gender as totally retarded. And that’s about 75% of the current stuff in between episodes of Corrie.
So, for the next few weeks, we going to take a look at some of those ads and explain, step by step, exactly where bloody
stupid ideas like this inevitably lead. We call it:
“Snipe’s Guide to Adverts”
or
“They got what was coming to them.”
Now since men are indisputably the superior sex – let’s face it, men are smarter than women and when a woman can write a decent novel,
play in a band that isn’t shit, or go out for an evening without requiring so much crap that they have to tote along a bag bigger than their arse, then
you can call us and tell us and we might change our minds – we’re going to start with the ads that have missed this ridiculously obvious fact. Like the
ones for Coke Zero that think we won’t realise it’s Diet Coke with a different name in case men feel less manly for ordering a “diet” drink.
The one where "It's so easy even a man can do it."
Int: A kitchen.
A man is struggling to clean his grill (we can conjure up every invention of note, or particularly notable novel of the last billion centuries, but we can’t clean a fucking oven, apparently) His wife (or some bastard cleaning fairy) smiles indulgently at the foolish man in the foreground, then produces a poxy cleaning bag and we’re told that it’s so easy that ‘even a man can do it’.
This is possibly the biggest culprit in the war being waged by silly pseudo-feminist adverts. Anyone can clean an oven. Literally anyone. And when a man does it, I bet he doesn’t complain and expect flowers does he? No, he just gets it done and then probably sorts the garden out, fixes the leaky shower and writes the sequel to ‘War and Peace’ afterwards. But what really happens next?
Int: The same kitchen.
Husband: “I’m sorry, what?”
Wife: “I said, ‘So easy, even a man can do it!’ Haha! Aren’t I funny?”
H: “No. Piss off.”
W: “What?”
H: “Of course I can do it. I just dropped the tray into a bag then shook it about a bit. That’s deeply offensive.”
W: “But...”
H: “No buts. I put the oven together in the first place and I’ve been at work today. What have you done? I bet you’ve been watching Loose Women* and eating Maltesers with your mother. Who I hate too.”
W: “Well, yes but...”
H: “Bugger this. I’m leaving you.”
Cut to the man exiting the house with a young, blonde, big-breasted lady with no brains and a blow-job mouth. Who does what she’s told and doesn’t talk back. His erstwhile wife is left crying on the doorstep, knowing she’ll never find another man as amazing as the one she’s lost, because she’s getting on a bit and frankly is a bit chubby round the middle, and her tits are sagging.
And what’s worse, now she has to clean her own damn oven. If only she’d done that in the first place, eh?
*For any male Snipers reading, ‘Loose Women’ is a daytime TV show featuring… well… women. A well placed source at ITV tells us they get plenty of complaints about it being totally sexist and just ignore them all. Andy Gray was fired for less – talk about double fucking standards. If you’ve never seen the show, it’s basically the personification of a period. For an hour. With a special guest.
A man is struggling to clean his grill (we can conjure up every invention of note, or particularly notable novel of the last billion centuries, but we can’t clean a fucking oven, apparently) His wife (or some bastard cleaning fairy) smiles indulgently at the foolish man in the foreground, then produces a poxy cleaning bag and we’re told that it’s so easy that ‘even a man can do it’.
This is possibly the biggest culprit in the war being waged by silly pseudo-feminist adverts. Anyone can clean an oven. Literally anyone. And when a man does it, I bet he doesn’t complain and expect flowers does he? No, he just gets it done and then probably sorts the garden out, fixes the leaky shower and writes the sequel to ‘War and Peace’ afterwards. But what really happens next?
Int: The same kitchen.
Husband: “I’m sorry, what?”
Wife: “I said, ‘So easy, even a man can do it!’ Haha! Aren’t I funny?”
H: “No. Piss off.”
W: “What?”
H: “Of course I can do it. I just dropped the tray into a bag then shook it about a bit. That’s deeply offensive.”
W: “But...”
H: “No buts. I put the oven together in the first place and I’ve been at work today. What have you done? I bet you’ve been watching Loose Women* and eating Maltesers with your mother. Who I hate too.”
W: “Well, yes but...”
H: “Bugger this. I’m leaving you.”
Cut to the man exiting the house with a young, blonde, big-breasted lady with no brains and a blow-job mouth. Who does what she’s told and doesn’t talk back. His erstwhile wife is left crying on the doorstep, knowing she’ll never find another man as amazing as the one she’s lost, because she’s getting on a bit and frankly is a bit chubby round the middle, and her tits are sagging.
And what’s worse, now she has to clean her own damn oven. If only she’d done that in the first place, eh?
*For any male Snipers reading, ‘Loose Women’ is a daytime TV show featuring… well… women. A well placed source at ITV tells us they get plenty of complaints about it being totally sexist and just ignore them all. Andy Gray was fired for less – talk about double fucking standards. If you’ve never seen the show, it’s basically the personification of a period. For an hour. With a special guest.
The one where he really does get all the girls.
Ext. A beach.
An average Joe is stood on a tropical beach – he’s getting his ‘Karate Kid’ on with a pair of Lynx Cans held akimbo, spraying himself head to toe. We hear a mighty rumble from the adjacent jungle and to the epic strings of Clint Mansell, a stampede of ladies erupts from the tree line. Women climb the beach, shrugging seaweed out of their bikinis – from above, a host of women are strapped to (surely uncomfortable whilst so scantily clad) parachutes and raining around our average fellow. As they reach him, he takes off his glasses and drops the cans, ready for some hot lovin’.
The smell of Lynx ‘Africa’ will forever transport me back to the heady days of the year ten changing rooms for PE, a labyrinth of wedgies, towel whipping and uneasy homoeroticism. But apparently, Lynx has the power to make any man so attractive to any woman that she’ll cross continents to get to him. But what happens next?
Ext. The Same Beach.
Man: So what do we err, do now?
Woman 1: We assumed you know. I ran here from Sweden, you realise?
Man: Oh. Well look, I don’t think I can handle this many girls. Or more than two, if I’m honest.
Woman 2: So what the fuck are we supposed to do now? You’re not even that attractive.
Man: I know. Sorry. This spray doesn’t really work does it?
Woman 3: I don’t know. She holds up her hands to display a pair of surgical gloves. I’m supposed to be in theatre right now. Who do you suppose is going to give that lady from Essex her fake breasts?
Man: Listen, I really am sorry. I didn’t think it would work, it’s just I’ve never had a girlfriend before...
Women 1: Well. I mean we did come all this way. You realise that if you try and sleep with all of us, you’re going to get unbelievably sore?
Man: I know but...since you’re here, I suppose? Climb on. Be gentle.
Cue the man getting ridden for hours on end by women, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them very, very ugly. Night falls – the women are sated and our man lies on the beach, bleeding from the crotch and crying out for his mother.**
Oi, Lynx!
If I wanted to be chased and assaulted by a group of angry, sexually frustrated women I’d make an appearance on, you guessed it - Loose Women!
** Which is a bit creepy given the circumstances.
An average Joe is stood on a tropical beach – he’s getting his ‘Karate Kid’ on with a pair of Lynx Cans held akimbo, spraying himself head to toe. We hear a mighty rumble from the adjacent jungle and to the epic strings of Clint Mansell, a stampede of ladies erupts from the tree line. Women climb the beach, shrugging seaweed out of their bikinis – from above, a host of women are strapped to (surely uncomfortable whilst so scantily clad) parachutes and raining around our average fellow. As they reach him, he takes off his glasses and drops the cans, ready for some hot lovin’.
The smell of Lynx ‘Africa’ will forever transport me back to the heady days of the year ten changing rooms for PE, a labyrinth of wedgies, towel whipping and uneasy homoeroticism. But apparently, Lynx has the power to make any man so attractive to any woman that she’ll cross continents to get to him. But what happens next?
Ext. The Same Beach.
Man: So what do we err, do now?
Woman 1: We assumed you know. I ran here from Sweden, you realise?
Man: Oh. Well look, I don’t think I can handle this many girls. Or more than two, if I’m honest.
Woman 2: So what the fuck are we supposed to do now? You’re not even that attractive.
Man: I know. Sorry. This spray doesn’t really work does it?
Woman 3: I don’t know. She holds up her hands to display a pair of surgical gloves. I’m supposed to be in theatre right now. Who do you suppose is going to give that lady from Essex her fake breasts?
Man: Listen, I really am sorry. I didn’t think it would work, it’s just I’ve never had a girlfriend before...
Women 1: Well. I mean we did come all this way. You realise that if you try and sleep with all of us, you’re going to get unbelievably sore?
Man: I know but...since you’re here, I suppose? Climb on. Be gentle.
Cue the man getting ridden for hours on end by women, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them very, very ugly. Night falls – the women are sated and our man lies on the beach, bleeding from the crotch and crying out for his mother.**
Oi, Lynx!
If I wanted to be chased and assaulted by a group of angry, sexually frustrated women I’d make an appearance on, you guessed it - Loose Women!
** Which is a bit creepy given the circumstances.
