How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse, MK. III
Wherever
you are in the country – Snipe has your back. This week...
The Reading Edition
I hope you copied last weeks issue, because this week we're bringing you section two of our guide, moving on like a horde of undead flesh eaters, chasing after a little girl on a bicycle. And then eating the bitch. This week, we headed to the sunny Berkshire metropolis that is Reading, nestled at the heart of the River's Thames and Kennet, a delight the heart of England's South East corner. Or on the other hand, my sister lives there and let's me sleep in her spare room for free. So where do you go?
The Reading Edition
I hope you copied last weeks issue, because this week we're bringing you section two of our guide, moving on like a horde of undead flesh eaters, chasing after a little girl on a bicycle. And then eating the bitch. This week, we headed to the sunny Berkshire metropolis that is Reading, nestled at the heart of the River's Thames and Kennet, a delight the heart of England's South East corner. Or on the other hand, my sister lives there and let's me sleep in her spare room for free. So where do you go?
The Purple Turtle.
This writer won't lie. I went to school in Reading and I know all about it's myriad of little foibles (where to buy the best crack for instance) but I've not lived there in a while so this information could be a little while out of date, but only by, oh, two or three years. And what's a few years between friends, eh? It's not like there's really going to be a Zombie apocalypse, is there? That's what you think you wanker.
So why am I choosing the Purple Turtle? This alternative night club/bar was where I spent many a night studying in high school (Maybe that's why you ended up at such a shitty University? - Ed) and I'm confident we could survive there for quite some time. And why? Any zombie worth his salt is busy at the newly refurbished, not a shitty rock club 'Sakura' bar next door, eating all of the beautiful people. And a lot of the girls in the Turtle dress like they're undead anyway, so at least the undead would feel at home. And isn't that what counts in this day and age? We wouldn't want to be accused of bullying, even when it's bullying flesh eating undead bastards or irritating little cunts on internet forums.
Little Heath School.
No genuine logic here, what so ever. I went to school there - I used to day dream about killing my teachers and if they're zombified, I'll finally get my chance.
'See you in hell Mr. Titoranko' (Actual name.)
*Kablam*
'But Rob, he wasn't a zombie!'
'Who gives a fuck?'
Sainsburys Supermarket, Calcot.
I used to work there. Ditto my former boss.
Although I suppose on a serious note (because this is serious journalism we're doing here) there's a big warehouse with large metal shutters and I used to spend pretty much all my time back there, stealing candy and nailing the store manager's girlfriend. High five?
Where you'd want to be.
Because we value your opinions (Speak for yourself - Ed) we went out onto the streets of Reading, working our arses off to find out where you, our loyal readers, would like to hide in a Zombocolypse. But all of your answers were stupid so I asked some friends on facebook. Zombie aficionado Daryl who's from, funnily enough, Reading had this to say:
'Well where are the Zombies attacking from?'
'I don't know. Space? Let's say London.'
'Well there's many places I would consider. One being a bridge on the river, purely because Zombies can't swim. But then I don't know
how long they can go without food. This is a good question.'
'Thanks. Would you say that Snipe is the best thing in the fucking Universe?'
'Why, yes I would Rob!
So, if they are still swarming from London they would have other food sources first. Meaning there would constantly be more arriving,
making me think that perhaps the bridge is a no go. I would consider the Oracle shopping mall, because hopefully, hearing news that
Reading was about to be attacked, we would have time and the fucking sense to shut the Oracle and lock it all up, to avoid internal
infestation. Are these classic, slow Zombies or '28 Days Later' style fast Zombies?'
'Medium Speed, 'Walking Dead' style.'
'See, medium speed is cool, because I can just stay in my house. Because they can't smell you and shit.'
'...They can't shit?'
'No like, as in, 'and stuff.'
'Ok. Good. Carry on.'
'So if everyone stayed in their house, and waited for them to die of starvation (which they would first, because everyone would stay in their
house and they'd feed off small animals if they're quick enough, which they're not, to catch them) then we'd all be safe. Unless they're
strong zombies and break through stuff. Are they strong zombies?'
'They're not, but there's loads of them, so they could have a lot of weight against a window or door
'But would they be able to tell if we're hiding in houses?'
'Only if you were a dumbass and lit a light or something.'
'Ok so. Technically you could actually just stay in the house and not light any lights, keep the curtains drawn. Wait, say, a week,
(I assume, with a zombie invasion imminenent you would have time to stock up supplies) and then just wait for them to die of
starvation/for the army to come.'
'Thanks dude. One final question - assuming we didn't have time to stock up supplies and it was you, me, Lassie, Barack Obama,
and, err, fuck, I don't know, Jesus in the house, who would you eat to avoid starving?'
'Jesus, definitely. Hail Satan.'
'Hail him well.'
Bryce, another Reading resident, had this to say:
'Oracle probs, top floor. Birds eye view.'
'Thanks dude.'
'No probs.'
A man of few words. But what words.
This writer won't lie. I went to school in Reading and I know all about it's myriad of little foibles (where to buy the best crack for instance) but I've not lived there in a while so this information could be a little while out of date, but only by, oh, two or three years. And what's a few years between friends, eh? It's not like there's really going to be a Zombie apocalypse, is there? That's what you think you wanker.
So why am I choosing the Purple Turtle? This alternative night club/bar was where I spent many a night studying in high school (Maybe that's why you ended up at such a shitty University? - Ed) and I'm confident we could survive there for quite some time. And why? Any zombie worth his salt is busy at the newly refurbished, not a shitty rock club 'Sakura' bar next door, eating all of the beautiful people. And a lot of the girls in the Turtle dress like they're undead anyway, so at least the undead would feel at home. And isn't that what counts in this day and age? We wouldn't want to be accused of bullying, even when it's bullying flesh eating undead bastards or irritating little cunts on internet forums.
Little Heath School.
No genuine logic here, what so ever. I went to school there - I used to day dream about killing my teachers and if they're zombified, I'll finally get my chance.
'See you in hell Mr. Titoranko' (Actual name.)
*Kablam*
'But Rob, he wasn't a zombie!'
'Who gives a fuck?'
Sainsburys Supermarket, Calcot.
I used to work there. Ditto my former boss.
Although I suppose on a serious note (because this is serious journalism we're doing here) there's a big warehouse with large metal shutters and I used to spend pretty much all my time back there, stealing candy and nailing the store manager's girlfriend. High five?
Where you'd want to be.
Because we value your opinions (Speak for yourself - Ed) we went out onto the streets of Reading, working our arses off to find out where you, our loyal readers, would like to hide in a Zombocolypse. But all of your answers were stupid so I asked some friends on facebook. Zombie aficionado Daryl who's from, funnily enough, Reading had this to say:
'Well where are the Zombies attacking from?'
'I don't know. Space? Let's say London.'
'Well there's many places I would consider. One being a bridge on the river, purely because Zombies can't swim. But then I don't know
how long they can go without food. This is a good question.'
'Thanks. Would you say that Snipe is the best thing in the fucking Universe?'
'Why, yes I would Rob!
So, if they are still swarming from London they would have other food sources first. Meaning there would constantly be more arriving,
making me think that perhaps the bridge is a no go. I would consider the Oracle shopping mall, because hopefully, hearing news that
Reading was about to be attacked, we would have time and the fucking sense to shut the Oracle and lock it all up, to avoid internal
infestation. Are these classic, slow Zombies or '28 Days Later' style fast Zombies?'
'Medium Speed, 'Walking Dead' style.'
'See, medium speed is cool, because I can just stay in my house. Because they can't smell you and shit.'
'...They can't shit?'
'No like, as in, 'and stuff.'
'Ok. Good. Carry on.'
'So if everyone stayed in their house, and waited for them to die of starvation (which they would first, because everyone would stay in their
house and they'd feed off small animals if they're quick enough, which they're not, to catch them) then we'd all be safe. Unless they're
strong zombies and break through stuff. Are they strong zombies?'
'They're not, but there's loads of them, so they could have a lot of weight against a window or door
'But would they be able to tell if we're hiding in houses?'
'Only if you were a dumbass and lit a light or something.'
'Ok so. Technically you could actually just stay in the house and not light any lights, keep the curtains drawn. Wait, say, a week,
(I assume, with a zombie invasion imminenent you would have time to stock up supplies) and then just wait for them to die of
starvation/for the army to come.'
'Thanks dude. One final question - assuming we didn't have time to stock up supplies and it was you, me, Lassie, Barack Obama,
and, err, fuck, I don't know, Jesus in the house, who would you eat to avoid starving?'
'Jesus, definitely. Hail Satan.'
'Hail him well.'
Bryce, another Reading resident, had this to say:
'Oracle probs, top floor. Birds eye view.'
'Thanks dude.'
'No probs.'
A man of few words. But what words.
.
And Finally:
If you'd like Snipe to come to your town and let you know where to go when the big bad Zombocalypse comes, email us via the contact form and we'll get back to you. If you're willing to take our reporter out on the piss, then we'll almost certainly be there.
*Snipe does not take responsibility for any loss of life or transormation into the undead which comes about as a result of following these rules and guide lines. If the Zombie apocalypse does come, for God's sake, head for the ocean. And then drown yourself.
And Finally:
If you'd like Snipe to come to your town and let you know where to go when the big bad Zombocalypse comes, email us via the contact form and we'll get back to you. If you're willing to take our reporter out on the piss, then we'll almost certainly be there.
*Snipe does not take responsibility for any loss of life or transormation into the undead which comes about as a result of following these rules and guide lines. If the Zombie apocalypse does come, for God's sake, head for the ocean. And then drown yourself.
