Snipe's Guy Code
May or may not actually be our opinion or help you in any way.
Snipe’s Guide to Being a Man.*
Because I wanted to have something included in this edition.
If you were to Google the words ‘Guy Code’ you would find an estimated thirty squillion pages, most of which offer a series of rules you must follow as a modern man. Since a lot of these lists are complete and utter shite we at Snipe decided to write our very own, full of wit, wonder and wanking (see number 8.)
1. Any of your friend’s sisters is off limits. Same for mothers, though Aunts and Grandmothers are a grey area that shall be left to your discretion. There are some exceptions to the rule – If a friends mother has both been:
2. Single and lonely for a period of no less than four years.
3. And is a bangin’ hotty that parades around the house in a night dress. Then she may be taken thusly from behind.
-Or if a friends sister is:
Your one true love who you intend to marry (See: Chandler and Monica) or achieves a score of at least eight on the lady scale (see my mate Bens sister), then she may also be considered fair game.
4. What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam. For Americans? It’s Vegas.
5. What happens at a bachelor party stays at the bachelor party. The same for eighteenth/twenty first/thirtieth birthdays and all religious holidays. (Especially the Jewish ones. Them Jews be crazy.)
6. Picking up the unattractive girl in a club is only permissible if you’re distracting her from her hot friend so that one of your buddies may succeed in his saucy ambitions. Your sacrifice will be noted and paid back in full.
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7. Shotgun is applicable to not only cars, but food/sofas/women/anything else for which there may be competition. Ignoring shotgun law is punishable by slapping.
8. At the urinal, eyes down.
9. If at the urinal another man openly stares at your business, he is eligible for a punch in the face. Unless he looks saddened and stares down at his own shrewish man junk. That’s punishment enough.
10. Masturbation is encouraged to a variety of different pornographies. All men are to have at least one item of Lesbian naughtiness in their collection. Bashing it to pictures of your friends girlfriends/immediate family isn’t cool, unless they rate an ‘eight’ or higher.
11. Any man found to be abusing a woman is to be promptly beaten to a shivering pulp. Unless it’s part of a sex game – unsure? Ask first!
12. Any man being beaten in the streets by a woman is to be shunned forever, unless that woman is Oprah. That bitch is packing heat.
13. Guys, no scratching around women. Around other men scratching can be considered a competition sport and is to be applauded.
14. Movies based around the world of dance may only be watched if you’re with a woman who you are or are hoping to sleep with. Any man found watching a dance themed movie on his own for personal pleasure is to be mocked until he’s earned back his manly parts.
15. I don’t give a fuck if you think it’s gay, men are allowed to like the Gilmore Girls.
16. The ‘Clock’ system of targeting women is to be taught to all men by the age of thirteen. Ie. ‘Dude, smokin’ hotty at three o’clock.’
17. Any man may spend as long as he likes in front of the mirror when preparing to leave the house. It’s not ‘gay’, it’s style. Get some.
18. Skinny jeans/drainpipes – see number fifteen.
19. Discussing your sex life with your friends is fine, so long as you never refer to it as ‘making love.’ If your girlfriend is in the room it may be excused, so long as she is above a seven. Permissible words include but are not limited to: Shagging/Boffing/Nobbing/Boning/Sleeping with/Porking.
20. Fifa is better than Pro Evo. End of story.
21. Rock paper scissors/Video games are always to be resorted to before a fist fight when it comes to settling an argument.
22. Long hair on a man is fine, as long as they also have a manly beard/hairy chest.
23. The word ‘Boobies’ and the act of breaking wind are both funny. We’re sorry ladies. Farting in front of a woman is only ok after a minimum of no less than three years of relationship.
24. There is nothing wrong with being friends with gay guys. If any man mocks you for having gay friends, that man is probably gay and should be introduced to one of your gay buddies for a good bumming. He’ll fucking love it.
25. Openly declaring love from one straight man to another is fine, provided you have:
- Lived together for a period of no less than one year.
- Slept with the same woman.
- Had a mad night in Amsterdam/Vegas together.
- Or if you are these two.
26. Boxer shorts are the only permissible underwear. Any man caught wearing a man thong is to be hung by said man thong from the nearest available street light.
27. The words, ‘I don’t really like sport’ should never be heard from the lips of man. I don’t care if you don’t enjoy it; you sit there and pretend that you goddamn do. Cheer when everybody else in the room does and never say ‘But it’s only a game’ or I’ll fucking hit you.
28. Kicking another man in the down belows is majorly uncool and only really allowed if your very life is at stake/he’s going for the last beer.
29. Liking the band ‘Queen’ does not make you a ‘fag’.
30. Not liking the band ‘Queen’ does make you a dipshit.
31. Back in the day’ is only applicable if you’re talking about events that occurred ten years or greater prior to the present day.
32. Have respect for your woman; only motorboat her in public, or when you’re both really drunk.
33. If your dog dies then you can cry, but only whilst you’re digging it’s grave in the back garden. With your shirt off, possibly in the rain. After that, you may weep over it when drunk on the anniversary of its death, preferably whilst singing ‘Old Yeller.’
34. Whenever drinking with a group of men, any man may shout ‘Down it’ whenever he so chooses. At such a time anybody with a drink in hand must immediately finish it; any man failing to do so may be labelled a pussy until he downs another drink or punches the guy that’s calling him a pussy in the head.
35. Upon the first round being ‘downed’, it is perfectly socially acceptable to shout ‘FUBAR’ en masse as a salute to the Gods of drinking.
36. In Snipes generally accepted order of ‘cool’, Musicians rank highest, followed by sportsmen and writers. If you’re not in one of these three sub-groups then you are morally obliged to let the girl who you’re hitting on know if one of your friends is. He gets first dibs.
37. Smoking, whilst undeniably bad for you, is also undeniably badass. Sorry mum.
38. You are not obliged to buy any of your male friends birthday presents. Memorising their birthdays is, if anything, a little gay.
39. No two men shall ever share an umbrella. So it is written, so shall it be done.
40. Having an unattractive friend with you on nights out to make yourself look better is perfectly acceptable. If you are said unattractive friend, then look on the bright side – you get to hang with a cool person, effectively opening you up to the ugly friends of the girls he picks up.
41. Anniversaries are yearly. At no point are we, or should we be expected to celebrate a ‘six month’ anniversary of anything.
42. Reading newspapers doesn’t make you in any way ‘a stuck up lady boy’. Depending on the newspaper it can make you a ‘twat’, but nothing else.
43. Pointing out to Daily Express readers that Diana is dead is perfectly allowed, so long as they’ve whined about it at least twice in the last fourty seconds. Which they will have done.
44. Star Wars is a fucking classic – asking your lady to dress as Leia is nothing but hot, despite recent failings on the part of Lucas Arts.
45. Any breakages of the above may result in penalties for the man in question, including but not limited to: repeated and annoying light physical abuse, repeated and annoying light mental torture or being dubbed ‘Puss in Boots’ for the rest of the day.
*Editors note – Not intended to be taken particularly seriously, just thought I should clear that up before a horde of screaming women/ugly men email me with death threats. Piss off, you self righteous wankers.
Because I wanted to have something included in this edition.
If you were to Google the words ‘Guy Code’ you would find an estimated thirty squillion pages, most of which offer a series of rules you must follow as a modern man. Since a lot of these lists are complete and utter shite we at Snipe decided to write our very own, full of wit, wonder and wanking (see number 8.)
1. Any of your friend’s sisters is off limits. Same for mothers, though Aunts and Grandmothers are a grey area that shall be left to your discretion. There are some exceptions to the rule – If a friends mother has both been:
2. Single and lonely for a period of no less than four years.
3. And is a bangin’ hotty that parades around the house in a night dress. Then she may be taken thusly from behind.
-Or if a friends sister is:
Your one true love who you intend to marry (See: Chandler and Monica) or achieves a score of at least eight on the lady scale (see my mate Bens sister), then she may also be considered fair game.
4. What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam. For Americans? It’s Vegas.
5. What happens at a bachelor party stays at the bachelor party. The same for eighteenth/twenty first/thirtieth birthdays and all religious holidays. (Especially the Jewish ones. Them Jews be crazy.)
6. Picking up the unattractive girl in a club is only permissible if you’re distracting her from her hot friend so that one of your buddies may succeed in his saucy ambitions. Your sacrifice will be noted and paid back in full.
8
7. Shotgun is applicable to not only cars, but food/sofas/women/anything else for which there may be competition. Ignoring shotgun law is punishable by slapping.
8. At the urinal, eyes down.
9. If at the urinal another man openly stares at your business, he is eligible for a punch in the face. Unless he looks saddened and stares down at his own shrewish man junk. That’s punishment enough.
10. Masturbation is encouraged to a variety of different pornographies. All men are to have at least one item of Lesbian naughtiness in their collection. Bashing it to pictures of your friends girlfriends/immediate family isn’t cool, unless they rate an ‘eight’ or higher.
11. Any man found to be abusing a woman is to be promptly beaten to a shivering pulp. Unless it’s part of a sex game – unsure? Ask first!
12. Any man being beaten in the streets by a woman is to be shunned forever, unless that woman is Oprah. That bitch is packing heat.
13. Guys, no scratching around women. Around other men scratching can be considered a competition sport and is to be applauded.
14. Movies based around the world of dance may only be watched if you’re with a woman who you are or are hoping to sleep with. Any man found watching a dance themed movie on his own for personal pleasure is to be mocked until he’s earned back his manly parts.
15. I don’t give a fuck if you think it’s gay, men are allowed to like the Gilmore Girls.
16. The ‘Clock’ system of targeting women is to be taught to all men by the age of thirteen. Ie. ‘Dude, smokin’ hotty at three o’clock.’
17. Any man may spend as long as he likes in front of the mirror when preparing to leave the house. It’s not ‘gay’, it’s style. Get some.
18. Skinny jeans/drainpipes – see number fifteen.
19. Discussing your sex life with your friends is fine, so long as you never refer to it as ‘making love.’ If your girlfriend is in the room it may be excused, so long as she is above a seven. Permissible words include but are not limited to: Shagging/Boffing/Nobbing/Boning/Sleeping with/Porking.
20. Fifa is better than Pro Evo. End of story.
21. Rock paper scissors/Video games are always to be resorted to before a fist fight when it comes to settling an argument.
22. Long hair on a man is fine, as long as they also have a manly beard/hairy chest.
23. The word ‘Boobies’ and the act of breaking wind are both funny. We’re sorry ladies. Farting in front of a woman is only ok after a minimum of no less than three years of relationship.
24. There is nothing wrong with being friends with gay guys. If any man mocks you for having gay friends, that man is probably gay and should be introduced to one of your gay buddies for a good bumming. He’ll fucking love it.
25. Openly declaring love from one straight man to another is fine, provided you have:
- Lived together for a period of no less than one year.
- Slept with the same woman.
- Had a mad night in Amsterdam/Vegas together.
- Or if you are these two.
26. Boxer shorts are the only permissible underwear. Any man caught wearing a man thong is to be hung by said man thong from the nearest available street light.
27. The words, ‘I don’t really like sport’ should never be heard from the lips of man. I don’t care if you don’t enjoy it; you sit there and pretend that you goddamn do. Cheer when everybody else in the room does and never say ‘But it’s only a game’ or I’ll fucking hit you.
28. Kicking another man in the down belows is majorly uncool and only really allowed if your very life is at stake/he’s going for the last beer.
29. Liking the band ‘Queen’ does not make you a ‘fag’.
30. Not liking the band ‘Queen’ does make you a dipshit.
31. Back in the day’ is only applicable if you’re talking about events that occurred ten years or greater prior to the present day.
32. Have respect for your woman; only motorboat her in public, or when you’re both really drunk.
33. If your dog dies then you can cry, but only whilst you’re digging it’s grave in the back garden. With your shirt off, possibly in the rain. After that, you may weep over it when drunk on the anniversary of its death, preferably whilst singing ‘Old Yeller.’
34. Whenever drinking with a group of men, any man may shout ‘Down it’ whenever he so chooses. At such a time anybody with a drink in hand must immediately finish it; any man failing to do so may be labelled a pussy until he downs another drink or punches the guy that’s calling him a pussy in the head.
35. Upon the first round being ‘downed’, it is perfectly socially acceptable to shout ‘FUBAR’ en masse as a salute to the Gods of drinking.
36. In Snipes generally accepted order of ‘cool’, Musicians rank highest, followed by sportsmen and writers. If you’re not in one of these three sub-groups then you are morally obliged to let the girl who you’re hitting on know if one of your friends is. He gets first dibs.
37. Smoking, whilst undeniably bad for you, is also undeniably badass. Sorry mum.
38. You are not obliged to buy any of your male friends birthday presents. Memorising their birthdays is, if anything, a little gay.
39. No two men shall ever share an umbrella. So it is written, so shall it be done.
40. Having an unattractive friend with you on nights out to make yourself look better is perfectly acceptable. If you are said unattractive friend, then look on the bright side – you get to hang with a cool person, effectively opening you up to the ugly friends of the girls he picks up.
41. Anniversaries are yearly. At no point are we, or should we be expected to celebrate a ‘six month’ anniversary of anything.
42. Reading newspapers doesn’t make you in any way ‘a stuck up lady boy’. Depending on the newspaper it can make you a ‘twat’, but nothing else.
43. Pointing out to Daily Express readers that Diana is dead is perfectly allowed, so long as they’ve whined about it at least twice in the last fourty seconds. Which they will have done.
44. Star Wars is a fucking classic – asking your lady to dress as Leia is nothing but hot, despite recent failings on the part of Lucas Arts.
45. Any breakages of the above may result in penalties for the man in question, including but not limited to: repeated and annoying light physical abuse, repeated and annoying light mental torture or being dubbed ‘Puss in Boots’ for the rest of the day.
*Editors note – Not intended to be taken particularly seriously, just thought I should clear that up before a horde of screaming women/ugly men email me with death threats. Piss off, you self righteous wankers.
